Can A Woman Have Casual Sex?
I want to talk about casual sex. The most common question I hear from women is, “How do I have sex and not get attached?” The problem in this question is the inference that something’s wrong with getting “attached.” Since when is that a bad thing? Why isn’t NOT getting attached seen as wrong/bad/crazy? It seems there’s a lot of confusion between sexual empowerment and self sacrifice. Our culture is bent in favor of masculine goal-oriented conquest sex. This is the influence of patriarchy, with an extra helping of internet pornography. [Aside – some women find freedom and empowerment with this model. Let’s celebrate them. However, most do not]. The male-model ideal of casual sex is setting up a no-win situation for women – who are supposed to shoehorn their needs for love at some violence to themselves. Sometimes we can have a brief encounter and walk away pleased and unscathed. Other times, it can feel like a shredding of the soul. In light of this, and in understanding female biology, I do not recommend casual sex for women. But understand that to me, sex is never CASUAL; it’s a profound sharing of our most intimate energies. I DO recommend sex when you’re honored, respected, and adored. A woman’s body is a bullshit detector….We can sense when we’re unsafe or unloved. All too often, we sacrifice ourselves and override the signals that say ‘stop’, in hopes that we’re wrong, or he will change, or….[fill in your blank]. FYI, I’ve done this PLENTY ^. I don’t believe in “rules” when it comes to sex – like wait ’til you’re committed, be poly, be mono, blah blah blah. Some people make rules and that’s great. I just like to break them. When it comes to sex, I have one foundational ethic: HONOR your body’s wisdom. And it helps your body to assess the situation by having honest conversations before engaging. You have the right to say what’s true for you. Say what you’re afraid to say. Be sober. Be real. Be ready to walk away. But if your body gives the green light, and you feel fully heard, seen, and safe, then g’head and ride that river of pleasure surging through your skin. The feminine longs for ecstasy, life, and sensation. If the experience is not affirming of these things for you, pause it. And if you proceed despite your body’s signals to stop, you’re still beautiful and powerful. We live in a culture that does not respect the feminine, and tends to mock our preoccupation with love. But I want you to know – your body is a sacred gate to heaven. Your heart is your superpower. Pause before you give either away. I love you. My sisters, let’s go deeper on this, so you get the love and sex that is your birthright…nourishing, adoring, and outrageously pleasurable.
Why You're Obsessing On Him
We all know that good sex gives women superpowers.
If we’re touched – physically or emotionally – in the right way for US, we get a major flood of hormones that trigger an explosion of good things – like confidence, and creativity. But these hormones also trigger OBSESSIVE THINKING and self-sacrificing behaviors (!) as nature’s way of pair-bonding us with potential baby-daddies.
If the source of our pleasure then disappears for whatever reason, we will literally go into chemical withdrawal. ACTUAL, real, painful withdrawal.
In order for women to sexually empower, we have to understand the ways in which evolution designed us to pursue love. It’s not a weakness, it’s our nature.
The only problem is that it conflicts with our culture, which tells us we’re “crazy” for being so emotional or needy.
Here’s the deal – When you’re aware of your physiology (I can actually FEEL my oxytocin kickin’), you can PARTNER with your own emotional body, instead of being tossed around by it. You can modulate the release of these hormones and master your sex life. Then – dating, love, commitment, one night stands, long-term monogamy – whatever your flavor – becomes a playground instead of a minefield.
Sound good? Can I tempt you to learn more?
It will completely transform the way you do sex and love, and trust me, it’s WAY MORE FUN than a broken heart.
And I love you,
Eva